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Two recent events have been holding my attention and shaping my thinking. For starters, I just had an uncomfortable but important conversation with a client. This client was not happy and was willing to share their perspective of our coaching experience.
Three areas of concern emerged from our conversation. The first was a question about value, reframed this way: “I am not getting value from our work together. I don’t think you were very focused in our last [two] sessions.”
Next were questions about policies and delivery of services. I asked, “How would you know that you were getting value?” The reply was “I would have had specific actions to take.”
The final issue concerned the client’s responsibility for speaking up about what they wanted. This is often hard for clients to do, so you need to model this or encourage it from the beginning. As one of my former coaches said, “You need to be responsible to your clients, not for them.”
So how do you do this? To help the client speak up, I focused on questions such as “How can we move forward?” and “How could I give value?” What I realized was that I shared in the failure of this relationship.
Why?
It started from the beginning. I was implementing a new, improved system for responding to my clients. I am trying to automate as many functions as I can. I use Infusionsoft, so I should be able to do this, since this software program has all of those capabilities. Yes, but one still must make sure that they are using the functions well and as designed. Did I? No. Where I failed was in making sure not only that all of the information that needed to go out went out but also that it was returned.
Here’s the new plan: Make sure information goes out and comes back signed. Go over the signed information together so there is clarity about how I work. (I’d like to review how I work so we are both clear about how coaching with me works.) Answer any questions that arise, and make sure that I am clear about how I hold myself to agreements. I’m going over this with my VA to make sure all of these steps are put into place.
As for the comment about me not being “present,” guilty as charged. That’s because I was dealing with the other event that’s been on my mind lately—helping my wife with my father-in-law, Harry. He was in the middle of a medical crisis that took over a month to improve. I’m sure that those of you who are dealing with or have dealt with similar caretaking challenges can identify with this.
So what to do: If you are struggling, acknowledge it, and reschedule if necessary. Your clients deserve your attention. By the same token, if your clients are not able to focus or are not “present,” they deserve the truth from you about how they are (not) showing up.
The client and I talked about all of this, and I can’t say the outcome was ideal, but I think the ultimate decision we came up with serves us both. I feel bad because I think I could have been helpful, but once someone has gotten to the point that they no longer believe in or trust you, I think it’s rare that they will come back from that point.
Are you committed to following your heart’s desire? Are you regularly taking action to realize your dreams? If you really want to accomplish your goals, at some point you have to move from planning to action. You must act.
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I have dreamed of taking a long road trip to visit with friends from my childhood in Peru, high school, college and people I have met and become friends with as a coach. In planning the specifics of this dream, I also decided I would visit several national parks and kayak on a number of rivers and lakes. Recognizing that my old Ford Escape had too many miles on it and was facing some expensive repairs, I decided to buy a replacement SUV. After some research I settled on a Subaru Forester and found a used 2015 model.
Beth and I looked at how to make all of this possible, and as part of the process I decided to sell my Escape rather than trade it in. The selling experience itself was an exercise in faith and setting intent. Why?
Well I was intentional and focused. I did research for suggestions and tips and followed a plan. I invested in having the vehicle detailed, gathered all my old maintenance records, took pictures of my clean, detailed car and posted on Craigslist.
Within an hour I had inquiries about the car. Two stood out, so I made appointments to meet at a local restaurant. First I saw a brother and sister who liked the car because it was clean and well-maintained. The second person was a graduate student from Germany. What a nice young man. He was interested and wanted to pay to have a mechanic go over the car, exercising due diligence.
While the Escape was being inspected, I invited the student back to my house for coffee. We had a wide-ranging conversation. He brought a unique German perspective to current events in the US. When we returned to the car, we learned that the mechanic had found an age-related problem that would need to be attended to, so I agreed to reduce the asking price. I hadn’t known about the problem, but it didn’t surprise me. We went to the buyer’s bank, and he paid cash.
When he drove me home, I suggested that we stop for a snack and a beer. While we were eating, I asked why he decided to buy the car—what was his buying decision? He told me that the car looked good, literally. Most of the cars he had been looking at were in poor repair, had ripped seats, faded paint, etc. Then he said, “I got a good feeling about you, and then you asked me to your house for coffee. I knew then that I would buy your car. Even when the mechanic’s report came, I knew we could work it out.” So even though his original buying strategy was visual, getting a good feeling was kinesthetic and was ultimately what mattered.
In thinking about this experience, I realized it was consistent with a book I recently read, Pre-Suasion: A Revolutionary Way to Influence and Persuade by Robert Cialdini. Without conscious thought I had employed one of the strategies Cialdini describes. Inviting the prospective buyer to my house for coffee created trust.
Whom do we open our homes to? People we like and/or trust. Rather than being logical, many buying decisions are made based on “good feelings.” How often have you invested in someone or something because it felt right?
What are you doing to help potential clients trust you? How do you encourage good feelings for your business?
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As I plan my long-awaited trip, I’m looking at what I want and dream about through the prism of older age. I don’t have unlimited time; therefore I am applying criteria to my choices. Many years ago I set a goal of being on as many major rivers as I could because river travel seemed like a way to connect with early explorers and adventurers, and I have thought of myself as an adventurer for most of my life.
Dreaming is the first step toward getting what you want. You must take action, ideally inspired action, to realize your dreams, and at times you must employ faith, acting in the absence of truth or certainty.
If you live in the east or southeast and have been thinking of working with me, especially in person, this trip could be your opportunity. Part of what I have to share is a congruent message about following your dreams. One of the major outcomes of many who work with me is that they step into and live their dreams. This may be an act of faith on your part.
Over the past two years I have recommitted to acting in that way myself—acting on faith. I do this by committing to follow my heart’s desire. I don’t want to be at the end of my life regretting what I have not done. I’ve always ascribed to Alfred Lord Tennyson’s idea, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Are you committed to following your heart’s desire? Are you regularly taking action to realize your dreams? If you really want to accomplish your goals, at some point you have to move from planning to action. You must act.
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Think of someone you know who is good at understanding another person’s worldview. That means they can let go of their understanding of how the world works and really delve deeply into someone else’s deep understanding of how something works. To really do this well requires a willingness to suspend one’s own beliefs. How? By understanding how beliefs work and how we process information at different levels of understanding.
Once we are down at the belief level, a specific set of rules is activated. Beliefs are not necessarily logical, but we will act as though they are. This means that using facts or logic will not shift a person’s beliefs. Why not? Well it’s because of two other processes that keep beliefs in place, distortion and deletion.
- The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes distortion as the act of twisting or altering something out of its true, natural, or original state: the act of distorting.
- Deletion is the process of leaving out information or facts that do not fit our beliefs. It can be more conscious, by actively avoiding sources of information that do not support our beliefs, or unconscious, by ignoring what does not fit. These are not necessarily conscious processes.
Does that mean that beliefs do not change? No, they can erode over time, slowly chipped away, or they can be changed by an event so powerful that it shakes one’s very core.
Another way that beliefs can change is when someone has a change of identity. Why? Well identity, who we are or think we are, is a higher-level process than beliefs—it occurs at a higher logical level. So, let’s say someone who had been an avowed atheist has an experience that causes them to become a Christian; their beliefs will undergo a cataclysmic shift. The opposite would also be true.
Beliefs also can change when you want to achieve something important. Such a major shift will often require a new set of beliefs to make it possible. Think of Roger Banister breaking the four-minute mile. He believed it was possible and trained to do what others considered impossible. Once he did it, others followed suit.
Here in America we can see how this phenomenon of beliefs is playing out in our politics. Think then about how important the ability to understand someone else’s worldview is. I chuckle because the process of creating this deep level of understanding does not make for exciting news coverage and might require that some of our interviewers develop the ability to let go of or suspend their own cherished beliefs.
Want to try this for yourself? You can shift perceptual positions using one of my favorite tools, a process called the Perceptual Positions Exercise. It describes how to create different perceptual positions. In addition to three primary perceptual positions, self, observer and we, I often add a fourth, other. Here’s how they work:
- Self: used when considering a situation from your point of view; looking at it from your own eyes, values and personal history; feeling it fully.
- Other: used when considering a situation as if you are the other person; looking at it through his or her eyes and adopting that person’s physiology, values and history as far as you are informed.
- Observer: used when considering a situation from a neutral, objective point of view; seeing yourself and the others involved.
- We: used for drawing the whole picture with the new information you now have.
This process can be adapted for many uses and is included in some way in many NLP processes.
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I’m currently reading Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging by Sebastian Junger, and I’m finding it to be fascinating. Here are some of the questions and assertions I’ve encountered in the book:
What’s the structure of a tribe? What makes a tribe a tribe? The survival of the tribe is always in the field of its members’ awareness, so they’ve developed sophisticated ways of sharing work and resources. As part of the tribe, you have to be willing to contribute.
One of the biggest crimes in a tribe would be one person using more resources than anyone else to such an extent that it could put the rest of the tribe at risk. Worldwide, tribes have developed formal and informal ways of making sure that doesn’t happen. Even in Stone Age paintings, you can see tribe members who have been communally executed for putting the tribe at risk.
Consider Wall Street. How would a tribe respond to executives making so much? What about the health care system? What about political leaders? Within a tribe there’s usually an expectation that you don’t speak negatively about your leaders in order to protect the tribe.
Platoons function as individual tribes. You can’t get away with not pulling your own weight. There’s an informal pressure, or unwritten code, to keep everyone in alignment for the sake of everyone in the group.
These are just a few examples. I like the way this book has given me another way to understand the use of the word tribes and the implication of what it means to identify with being a member of a tribe. According to Junger, some of our current problems with feeling alone or isolated result from the lack of tribal affiliation.
Do you agree?
P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
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What are the traits of a leader?
I often work with people who think of themselves as leaders or influencers of their company or tribe. If you talk about being a good or not-so-great leader, you’re usually making a comparison to someone else. People almost always have an image of someone who represents their idea of a good leader.
If you think of yourself as a leader, here’s what I’d like you to do:
- Take a moment to consider what—and who—you think about when you say that you want to be a leader. Who do you think of that represents that?
- Then go a step further and ask yourself this: If I were to be a leader, who would I be modeling myself after?
In times of war, people often think of a leader as a general or military figure, but more often today we think about business or political leaders. In a recent Facebook post I shared that I was curious about how people thought of leaders based upon perceived characteristics of good leaders. Most of those who responded to my post mentioned many of the traits often linked to leadership.
There’s been a lot of research on leadership traits. Below are the commonly recognized skills you need to have or develop in order to lead and encourage those who follow you.
Good leaders are able to…
- Listen to others and absorb their message.
- Recognize and develop skills and abilities in others, bringing out their best.
- Inspire trust in others.
- Do the right thing.
- Walk their talk.
- Accurately assess themselves and their own capabilities.
- Challenge the status quo.
- Seek out and utilize feedback.
- Give feedback in a direct but caring way.
- Tolerate differing viewpoints.
- Demonstrate behavioral flexibility.
- Think systemically.
- Think for the long term.
Taking it a step further, a visionary leader is one who can do all of this and articulate a vision that inspires their followers. (According to Burt Nanus in Visionary Leadership, a vision is a realistic, credible, attractive future for your organization.)
Do you possess all of these skills?
If not, are you committed to developing the ones you lack?
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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.
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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
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When thinking about how your language aligns with your values, consider a health care company choosing to use non-violent language rather than language that might be construed as violent. That company might focus on achieving goals instead of achieving targets, and it might use information points instead of bullet points.
Begin thinking about what kind of language and alignment you want to present this year. Joseph Campbell wrote that if you want to change your world, change your metaphor. To that I would add this: once you have your metaphor, select your language.
The metaphor “war on drugs” made it easy to think about jailing people as prisoners of war. It seemed acceptable to use increasingly harsh tactics because, after all, you were in a war. Now we’re looking at drugs as a health problem. In a way we were captured by our metaphor without even realizing the implication of it.
As you consider beginning to consciously change your metaphor, you may want to consciously change your focus. Focus is the attention you place on something. So linguistically, if you want to be more resourceful, create a focus that allows you to see a bigger picture. If you’re planning some sort of campaign, speak to the larger purpose. Say things about who will be positively impacted by what you want to do this year. This opens up the picture to lots of possible options.
If you want to adjust your focus later, after establishing the bigger picture, you will just need to “chunk down” to a narrower focus. Who will be affected? What’s most important to them? Focusing on these answers will move things down to a narrower focus.
If I decide that one of the things I want to do this year is to be more optimistic, I can preplan optimism by choosing ahead of time what I’m going to focus on. Eliminate the negative by refusing to dwell on problems or unhealthy comparisons with others. Often when you feel bad it’s because you’ve been making a comparison with someone else instead of a focusing on how you are doing now compared to how you were doing before.
This year you want to create the right state of mind for whatever task you’re going to engage in. In the same way that an athlete cultivates the right mindset to win, you can consciously cultivate the mindset you need to support your activities this year.
My challenge to you is to set a frame for the coming year—consciously set the frame for the year you want to have. Go beyond goals to mindset and purpose.
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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.
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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
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Spending time on my book during a recent weekend retreat allowed me to think about what I want to accomplish right now. There’s nothing like writing to sharpen my awareness. I thought through the idea of belief change and what I do that makes the work I do possible. I’ve become an expert in my subject matter, so writing involves trying to capture what I do and describe it in an understandable manner. I’ve found that when I write, the problem often isn’t knowing what to say but weeding out what not to say. The process is as much about winnowing as it is about creating.
During my weekend retreat I also caught up on professional reading, focusing especially on content from Steve Andreas’ blog. As I mentioned above, he was one of my Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) trainers, and his writing is inspirational to me because he’s thoughtful and approaches NLP in a very logical, scientific manner. When you make a decision to master coaching or a particular kind of coaching, it really helps to select representatives of the area of expertise you want to master. Reading about their thoughts and approaches expands your thinking about your own way of doing things, especially if their way of thinking is different from yours.
My approach combines intuition and Steve’s logical approach. He has taught me to consider this question: What is going on to make the change possible? And further: What are the processes that are making this change possible? If someone can show you a way to think through these questions, you’ll have a way to understand how what you are doing works. That thinking can allow you to create your own innovations and patterns.
This process is similar to cooking. When you first start out, it’s useful to follow recipes, particularly with baking. There’s a science behind that, and if you skip some of the steps or processes, you won’t get the right results. If you understand the science, however, then you can experiment. To become a really top-notch baker, you’d probably need to learn the chemistry behind successful baking.
This is true with NLP. Coaches often experiment with the steps of different techniques without understanding what each step is intended to do. Using the swish pattern as an example, Steve notes on his blog that he found more than a dozen videos online in which NLP practitioners failed to follow the steps of this pattern appropriately in order to successfully address unwanted habits. Those who left out some of the steps weren’t seeing successful results. He explained why it wasn’t working and the importance of each step in achieving success.
What Steve alerted me to again is the idea that you need to do things in a particular way in order to consistently have success. You have to follow the recipe.
My reading included works by two other authors who apply an understanding of neuroscience to influence behavior. Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is about why people buy. It’s kind of a Bible for sales people. His new book is Pre-Suasion: A Revolutionary Way to Influence and Persuade. This is about how you can set in place principles or ideas prior to a sales conversation. There are certain things you can do to help people to get into a buying frame so they even consider buying. This book is useful because it’s based upon brain science. Not only does it help you understand how to conduct marketing and how to get people to take action, but it also equips you to recognize what’s going on. When reading this book, you begin to get an understanding of how to alter your own marketing based on what makes a difference for people.
Carmen Simon’s Impossible to Ignore: Creating Memorable Content to Influence Decisions is also based on neuroscience and research but focuses on message delivery instead of marketing. In his testimonial about this book, Cialdini notes that the author “has broken the mold by showing how to enhance memory for our good ideas—not just in ourselves but in others.” Here are some of the premises Simon shares:
- When your message is easy to remember, you become impossible to ignore.
- When something stands out, people won’t forget it.
- If your presentation is not significantly different, it won’t be remembered.
She points out that a willingness to be different, to be unusual and to take risks will make you stand out, and people will remember you. Her work is about putting the power of cognitive science to work for your business.
I’ve benefitted from reading each of these books and definitively recommend them for you and your coaching business.
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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.
—
P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
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Carey Peters’ and Stacey Morgenstern’s Step Into Your Spotlight event went really well, and over the course of those few days she spoke about her previous coaches and mentioned me several times. Because of that and my rather conspicuous involvement in a similar event in Las Vegas earlier this year, several people recognized and approached me during the conference.
Being in the spotlight helped me make new connections, but something else played a role as well. I intentionally practiced saying yes to my intuition and to my heart while I was at this event. When I got a sense that I was supposed to do something, I just did it without question. Every time I did this, something extraordinary happened. For example, feeling an impulse to leave one lunch table, I ended up at another one and promptly met someone who wanted me to become his coach. During a 15-minute impromptu coaching encounter on a separate occasion, I helped one woman resolve a lifelong issue. Finally, over the course of a 20-minute conversation and coaching experience with someone else, I was able to assist her in making a significant “shift.”
All of this was pretty powerful. I initially set this intention—of saying yes to my heart—prior to Carey’s Las Vegas event. It had become woven into my consciousness because of working with Marcia Wieder for a year and recognizing the importance of following your dreams.
So learn to develop your ability to listen to a deeper message. It may not make rational sense, but if you follow that intuition, it will likely result in a very positive experience. My experience with this kind of intuition is that if it is positively motivated, it ends up “doing good” in the world. It can lead to random acts of kindness with a snowballing pass-it-on effect.
When I grow curious and wonder why this works, I think it’s because I’ve done hypnosis, which allows you to put in place the belief of self-trust and a willingness to accept what happens as a meaningful or positive experience, even if at the moment it doesn’t seem to be. When you become used to working with your unconscious mind, you spend less time questioning and more time trusting what’s happening. When we get caught up in needing reasonable explanations, the conscious mind intervenes, but this kind of experience doesn’t follow rational thinking. An openness to this kind of experience—to intuition—alerts your unconscious mind to opportunities in your environment that rationally may not appear as opportunities.
It can take a lifetime to develop the ability to follow your heart and trust your intuition. It’s like using a muscle; it requires exercise to fully develop it. So if you want to tap into a wealth of opportunities your unconscious mind can provide, practice listening to your heart and following your intuition.
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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.
—
P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
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Sherry Cameron’s prep time with Terry and the makeup artist during her VIP Retreat
During our VIP Retreat last week, Judy and I assisted Sherry Cameron, a nurse from Texas who’s becoming a health coach. I spent a day helping Sherry get anchored in a powerful state, and then Judy’s film-industry makeup artist took over. Before applying any makeup, he talked to Sherry about what she was doing and how she wanted to appear. In the photo shoot, she looked like a model. Next, Judy directed Sherry through the filming of a promotional video for her new business.
At one point during this experience, it occurred to me that VIP could stand for Very Integrated Person. When everything is lined up—when your mission matches your identity and is fully aligned with your beliefs, values and behaviors—you get better results. I also learned the importance of helping someone look her best. I saw what happens when you assist in creating an internal environment of looking your best and then have that person appear on camera and video looking her best.
This was our first VIP Retreat, and I would definitely mark it up as a success. Sherry was really happy. When your client is happy, that’s a good indicator, but the most powerful indicator is when you and your client BOTH think you’ve done a good job!
If you want to show up in a powerful and congruent way, and if doing so is part of your brand, then one of the best ways to appear to your audience is through video. But first, make sure you are a VIP!
Are you a Very Integrated Person?
If you think you might want to attend a VIP Retreat, call me at 520.237.4435 or email terry@terryhickey.com.
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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.
—
P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.
About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/
