Mar

Pushing Past Resistance

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I’ve been hearing a lot about resistance lately. Resistance is something you run into when you’re about to make a major change.

It started with one client who called me and said, “I’m starting to feel the resistance now.” Another person brought it up just a couple of days later. Shortly after that I came across a book I had partially read but not finished, Do the Work: Overcome Resistance and Get Out of Your Own Way by Steven Pressfield. He notes that when we consider doing important work, there are forces that weigh against us as entrepreneurs and artists. These appear as resistance, i.e. fear, self-doubt, procrastination, perfectionism, rational thought, friends and family, etc. You must be able to overcome resistance in all its forms in order to succeed.

You have to jump in there and do it. Resistance will show up whenever you start to do something important. It’s one of the first things to appear. It’s actually a good sign, since it’s an indicator that you’re on the right path.

To deal with resistance, determine the positive intent behind it. Examine what it wants for you. To be cautious? To be safe? Figure out the reason, and then move forward.

Ultimately, if the work is worth doing or the change is worth making, you’ll have to push through the resistance.

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

About Terry: Terry Hickey, M.S., is a Certified NLP Professional Coach, Business Trainer and Consultant, a Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the co-owner of NLP Advantage Group. Originator of the Belief Breakthrough Method™, Terry specializes in teaching coaches and entrepreneurs how to rapidly resolve limiting beliefs about wealth and success. His tips and strategies can help you launch yourself into the future you want… NOW. http://terryhickey.com/

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Feb

Are You Ready to Be an Effective Leader?

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Often in our business we operate as sole proprietors, but some of you are contemplating growth. In support of that you’ll probably add people to grow your business. You might start with a virtual assistant or other contractual arrangements, but at some point in your entrepreneurial journey, you’ll make the decision to grow. Even if you hadn’t thought of yourself as a leader before, you will then.

Effective leadership requires several important skill sets: 1) you must be a clear communicator; 2) much as you do in coaching, you must be able to set clear and measureable goals, and 3) you need to be able to describe how those goals are to be measured so that people on your team will know how to carry them out.

One of the things we did with the group in Alaska was to discover people’s “WHYs.” This helped us better understand how recent problems arose—because people didn’t understand each other’s why. It’s important to make sure individuals are in the right positions for their skill set. It’s important to understand each person’s skill set and why.

Another thing we learned is that it really helps to recognize and understand the capabilities of those working for you and apply that understanding in order to work with them in different ways. You have to change what you do to fit the needs of those who work for you. To be an effective leader, you must be flexible, adapting your style to suit the needs of your organization and those working for you. The person with the most behavioral flexibility has the most influence in the system. Hire the right people, be clear about your expectations, create systems for success and then help your employees succeed.

Leaders also have to be able to think systemically, realizing that doing this here will have an impact there. They need to recognize when something isn’t working and identify ways to fix or improve the situation.

When addressing mistakes, effective leaders make several assumptions:

People have the resources they need but may not be using them correctly.
Even though they made a mistake, they had positive intentions.
When they made a decision, it was the best they could do at the time.
If what you’ve been doing doesn’t work, you should do something else.
You can learn from your mistakes; they should be considered opportunities for growth.

One thing I heard ages ago and often repeat is about this: “Never fail to learn from a good mistake.” A good leader recognizes that there’s no failure, only feedback. If something doesn’t work, figure out why.

All of these skills are critical for effective leadership. If you don’t have the skills required for good leadership, or if you (or your leadership team) are lacking in specific areas, you need to acquire those skills or bring in someone who already has them.

For example, what makes our work in Alaska possible is that the company’s owner is interested in nurturing leaders from within because the organization has gotten so large. Her willingness to work with them has made it possible for us to do in-depth work. She’s really committed to growing leaders in her company, but it’s not always a smooth process. She’s creating systems of success for her leaders.

Are you ready to lead?

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

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Jan

What Kind of Regret Is Right for You?

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Unless you’re living your life in a coma, you cannot avoid regret. You simply can’t have a regret-free life. The question is, which kind of regret suits you best?

There’s the kind of regret that comes from not doing something—regret from inaction, and then there’s the regret that comes from doing something and not having it work out—regret because of the consequences of your actions. Which regret is right for you? Would you rather regret what you HAVE done or what you HAVE NOT done?

The underlying criteria for your actions determine your typical regrets. If you believe that taking risks is necessary for self-growth, then you’re more likely to have regrets for consequences. If you lean towards safely and security, you’re more like to have regrets as a result of not having taken risks.

By making a choice FOR something, you are directly or indirectly choosing NOT to do something else. People want their choices to be anxiety free, and when they aren’t, they often avoid making them. When people avoid making painful decisions, it spills over into all parts of their lives. Once they finally move forward with a decision and deal with the consequences, it’s usually a lot easier than they imagined.

One of my favorite coaching challenges is to ask this: “Which anxiety or regret do you want to work on?” Putting off choosing increases the amount of anxiety we experience. Growth requires that we be able to tolerate more uncertainty. Remember that anxiety is a function of your ability to imagine a future that you don’t want. So to a large degree, anxiety is manageable; if you’re going to live in the future, at least make it a future you would enjoy being in. Imagine a future you do want.

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

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Dec

Planning for Next Year? Ask Yourself These Two Questions

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As you near the end of each year, it’s always useful to ask yourself what you want to accomplish the following year. I’d like to pose this question at a higher level than is typically asked—instead of what do you want to do, I challenge you to answer this question:

“Who do you want to be in the coming year?”

I’m implying that there’s a particular identity you want to assume. Answering this question about identity will require you to think about the values and beliefs that you’ll need to have in place to be that person.

All too often we just focus on our goals for the year. Those are important, but I really want you to investigate your intentions at the level of values, beliefs and identity. All too often we get caught up in goals without looking at a higher level, and that’s what I want you to focus on.

But that’s not all.

I challenge you to take this process a step further. Ask yourself, “What is the mission I want to carry out as that person?”

If you consider your answers to these questions before determining your annual goals, the actions you take next year will support your beliefs and values, and you will be in alignment. During the planning process, you’ll probably also discover that this way of questioning is more likely to highlight values or beliefs that are potentially in conflict.

Taking the time to thoughtfully answer these two questions will help you create more empowering goals for 2016—ones that are in alignment with who you are, who you want to be and what you want to accomplish.

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

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Nov

When the Outcome Is Worth the Pain, S-t-r-e-t-c-h!

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If you read my newsletter, you may recall that I participated in a soccer tournament last month. I played in four games over two days and got feedback from my body that I needed to do something differently than I had been doing. I knew I was not performing at my potential.

One of the principles I teach coaches is that symptoms are a sign for needed action. I was having stiffness and pain, so I sought out my friend John Woolf, a physical therapist who shares this perception. He was able to take me through his process for discovering what’s really important, which is something he adapted from the NLP training I put him through six years ago. John elicited from me what my real physical goals and intentions were. Luckily, I am working with someone who not only can elicit clear goals but also has—given his physical therapy and healing skills—the ability to make what I want possible.

Just like any good coach, John created a clear plan with accountability and had me outline what would be necessary to achieve my goals. He then gave me specific exercises to make them happen. That was the fun part. Then he explained that we were going to have to shake my body out of some stuck patterns that were making it difficult for me to move in an effective manner. To tell you that this part was fun would be to lie.

John was able to do some profound work on me that broke my body out of some frozen patterns, but it was painful. Thankfully, it was the kind of pain that stopped immediately when he stopped the stretches.

Isn’t this like much of our coaching? Sometimes we must be prepared to go through a certain amount of pain or discomfort to break out of old patterns that can keep us frozen and stuck. Even though it can sometimes be painful, if we believe that the outcome we want is worth it, we will be willing to face the pain.

Where I see problems in my coaching experience is when people want significant change but want it to be easy. The more you’ve let a pattern—or a habit—establish itself, the more you might need to break it up before you establish a new one. And then don’t forget that you have to do the equivalent of exercises to maintain the gain.

Every once in a while change can be easy and joyful. More often than not it can be initially difficult or downright painful. Sometimes if you’re willing to face pain head on, the change that results is only because you were willing to force yourself to stretch and add the necessary flexibility.

Think about the last time you took on the challenge of significant change. Were you able to do it without stretching?

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

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Oct

What Characterizes a Good Decision-Maker?

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If you’ve been reading my newsletter or blog for a while, you know that I’ve been involved in a high-level mastermind group. One of the most significant takeaways I had from my last group was the importance of learning to make good high-quality decisions, something that many of us value on both an intuitive and a practical level.

I had the opportunity to learn about making better decisions from a panel made up of people who are recognized in large part due to the results they get as extremely effective decision-makers. Based upon what I learned, I want to offer you a way to think about making high-quality decisions so that the actions you take are more likely to give you the results that you want.

I would like to start out with a question. Think back to a time when you made a really good decision. Now ask yourself, “What made this a good decision?” Was it the outcome, or was it some other factor?

Next I want you to think of a time when you made a decision that you think was a poor decision. What made it a poor decision? Contrast the two decisions, noticing in particular the different way you went about making each of these decisions.

I want you to observe that certain factors will likely have emerged from this brief experiment. One of the areas that is useful to discover is whether 1) you had to choose from a number of options, which meant you were likely going for the best option, or 2) you had to choose between two conflicting choices.

Another thing to consider is whether the results of your choice affected only you, many people or perhaps a larger system. One other factor to reflect on is whether the outcomes of each option were known or predictable. If the outcomes were uncertain, it made it difficult to predict the results of your choice.

So notice already the different factors that influence decision-making. I think there is yet another element that often gets overlooked in decision-making, and that is the beliefs you already have about your abilities to make decisions. Do you believe you’re a good decision-maker? If you don’t, you may have a tendency to put off making decisions, which can be problematic.

You can see this a multilayered process. So what makes a good decision-maker?

Characteristics and Actions of Successful Decision Makers

Here are the characteristics I observed among those on the panel I witnessed, which was comprised of people who are extremely successful in business and personal arenas:

They all thought of themselves as good decision-makers.
They thought that being good at their job meant that they had to make good decisions.
They tended to think of themselves as good decision-makers in their personal lives.
They understood that many of the decisions they were making had major consequences. Because of that they all recognized the importance of taking time to make high-quality decisions. In fact one of them articulated that the more important the decision, the more time he was willing to take. All of them took less time to make less important decisions.
They all started by getting themselves into effective decision-making states. For instance they relaxed and set time aside for the decision.
They all sought input from people they trusted. Sometimes they sought input at the beginning of the process and sometimes more towards the end. All were willing to have people that they trusted challenge their decisions.
They all sought the highest quality information they could, which meant they considered multiple sources.
They identified why it was important to make the decision and what values were at stake. Many of their decisions involved their company’s growth as well as high financial risks and rewards. Sometimes the stakes included maintaining high-quality relationships with current people or potential future partners.
They considered the long-term implications of current decisions.
Each of them also demonstrated an ability to think systemically. For example, they understood that whatever decision they made could have potential impacts in systems outside of theirs. They also recognized that a business decision that made sense in one context might actually be problematic in another.
One of the most fascinating commonalities they all shared was a combination of rational consideration and a willingness to trust their intuition, even if that intuition didn’t make logical sense. Some of them expressed this as “trusting their guts” while others talked about the importance of “listening to their heart.” They often spoke of taking time to pray or meditate in order to tap into another level of consciousness.
Finally, they all had criteria or values that they would not compromise.

So what can be learned from this?

If you want to be a high-level performer, you must be willing to make high-level decisions.
You must be clear about your values when you prepare to make a decision.
You must be willing to seek information that might be at odds with what you desire your outcome to be and learn to treat oppositional information or feedback as information.
You must learn to develop your intuition and trust it.
You need to develop a group of advisors that you would trust to evaluate your decisions.

The final element I’d like to add is that you must be willing to learn from your “bad” decisions. All of the panelists had experienced these, and as one of them said, “Don’t miss the opportunity to learn from a bad mistake.”

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

Categories : Coaching Tips, Newsletter Articles

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Sep

Mentoring a Legacy

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The word mentor comes from the Odyssey. Ulysses put Mentor in charge of his son, Telemachus, while he was away at Troy. Mentor served as a guiding light to Telemachus, so now mentor refers to someone who imparts wisdom and provides guidance and encouragement to bring another’s talents and gifts forward.

Sometimes mentors choose their mentees, seeing someone who might benefit from their input and intentionally stepping in to provide that support in such a role. More often though, I think it happens in reverse: people see someone they are inspired by and then read information written by or about that person, attend workshops hosted by him or her or officially ask if he or she will mentor them.

In my case with Robert Dilts, I sought him out. I remember attending a training session he led in London almost 15 years ago about different ways people can be supportive, which was the basis of a book he published shortly afterwards, From Coach to Awakener. I’ve read all of his books at least once and some several times, often referring back to them over and over again. I’ve modeled a lot of my training after him.

During my recent mastermind group, Robert and I discussed mentoring. He said he wants to lean more toward mentoring now, and I acknowledged him for the direct and indirect support he’s given me over the years. I explained how much of a mentor he has been for me, noting how his work has been incredibly influential in my thinking. He’s been there to help my heart open up about several things.

Like Robert, I am also focusing more on mentoring. I have been thinking about the impact I want to make on the world, and for me mentoring is now about legacy. I want to help others discover who they are and what they want to be in the world. The difference between a legacy and an earlier vision is that the “younger you” wants to start a movement that’s going to change the world. Later you look for the next generation of leaders who will be able to continue changing the world in a positive way. My Coach Certification Training Program serves in this legacy mentoring capacity, allowing me to help bring forth another powerful generation of coaches.

I’m recognizing that people acknowledge my level of skill and my willingness to continue on my learning path, and they know they can benefit from that. Coaches such as Marcia Wieder have confided that they appreciate the wisdom age has given me. Similarly, participants in my high-level mastermind group have told me, “I always know that if I get stuck, I can come to you.”

So I am on this path willingly and already have several people who refer to me as a mentor. What is most true right now is how willing I am to accept that mantel. So ask yourself, “Am I at the right place in my life to seek out a mentor?” If your answer is a resounding “YES!” then reach out and ask. If you are inspired by someone, that’s always an indicator.

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I like to collect stories about belief change experiences. If you have any interesting ones, let me know or post them below so I can comment on them in subsequent articles or posts.

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P.S. Do you want to share this post? Please do. Just be sure that it remains intact and includes the following bio.

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Aug

Finding Inspiration on the Hero’s Journey

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Last week I attended a dinner with the guest of honor, Getrude Matshe, my friend and renowned inspirational speaker. She was invited to meet some fellow Africans, “lost boys” of the Sudan. These boys are now men, some with their own families, most with at least two jobs. As I listened to Getrude talk with them, I heard memories and stories of deprivation, horror, loss and ultimately joy and gratitude. Getrude was invited to speak because of her stories that also contain elements and characteristics similar to their journeys.

Getrude is here in Tucson to give a workshop, “Making the Impossible Possible: How to Write a Book in 40 Hours.” Her own experiences led her to understand the power of stories. Many tribal groups in Africa have rich storytelling traditions. History and cultural norms are passed on and shared through storytelling. Getrude grew up in this tradition, and she often says it helps to know your story and the power it may have to motivate, inspire and even change others’ experiences and perceptions.

I know part of my purpose is to inspire and motivate my clients as well as those whom I mentor. I tell all of them to discover their story—how have they become who they are.

So what is it that great storytellers do to inspire and motivate others? I’ve learned that stories are delivered for different purposes and, because of that, have different structures. A story that inspires us has a different structure than one that makes us laugh, although certainly inspirational stories may well have numerous components. Let’s look more closely at the structure of stories that motivate.

The late mythologist Joseph Campbell was fascinated with stories. He particularly made a study of the foundational stories of cultures or religions. He found one thing common to all of them: the “Hero’s Journey.” The first major element of the hero’s journey was an experience that challenged the hero or potential hero with a seemingly impossible task. The task then required a choice or commitment. This choice or commitment was often necessitated because the seemingly ordinary life that the hero or heroine had been leading was thrown into disarray.

I suspect you have seen the Star Wars series. Think of the very first one. Remember that Luke’s life was initially ordinary and normal. Then his stepparents were attacked and killed, which necessitated that he make a choice. As is true of most heroes’ journeys, it was not a choice that he would have wanted to make, and the situation was not one that he would have wanted to be in.

Getrude’s journey out of Africa was necessitated because of economics, warfare and in no small part the AIDS epidemic. Like Luke Skywalker, she took up the challenge, and just as Luke found mentors in Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda, so too has Getrude found mentors along the way. In fact one of Getrude’s amazing gifts is to so inspire others that they cannot help but want to mentor her.

It is not just mentors that one meets on the hero’s journey, but there are also often challenges, naysayers and even downright obstacles. Part of the story in the hero’s journey is how these obstacles are overcome. In fact it is the obstacles and challenges that transform the hero on his or her journey. It is how the hero addresses those challenges that ultimately bring about learning and growth. In Getrude’s case it helps to have a strong belief system that is built on the principle that all things are possible. This led to a strong supporting belief that if she’s willing to take on the challenge, support will appear. What I realized in listing to her story is that her willingness to take up the challenge led to the strengthening and full adoption of these beliefs. This kind of growth and learning then leads to the last part of the journey, which is the integration of the learning and the ability to inspire others.

So I’m coming full circle to last week’s dinner. I saw the sharing of mutual stories of transformation that further motivated, taught and inspired each other. Powerful motivational stories of transformation are the seeds of someone else’s hero’s journey. The more you’re willing to develop and learn from your story, the more likely you are to inspire others. I realize that that’s the business I’m in. I also know that I have been an inspiration to others, and I know that I have been on my own hero’s journey.

If you allow yourself to look back in time, I know you will find all of these components in your story. There were times that you did not pick up the gauntlet, and there were times when you let yourself be pulled off the journey. You may have succumbed to doubt or fear, but you know that without the obstacles you have overcome in your life, you would not be who you are today. Getrude told me that she realizes her gift is to hold up a mirror for people to examine their lives.

I witnessed Getrude the night before this dinner, and as part of helping host the event I asked a young woman who had been in the audience what she thought. With tears in her eyes she said, “It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I know I’ve been avoiding doing what I need to do in my life, and I can no longer do that.” Watching her take up the challenge cannot fail to impact those around her, and on it goes.

Take a few moments to thank all of those who have inspired you to be more than you thought you could be—those whose journey made you realize what was possible, those who either encouraged or challenged you at just the right time, or perhaps even a fictional or historical person whose journey provided just the spark to light your fire.

Now go out there and become a spark for someone else’s fire.

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Jul

Step 1: Ask, “What Do You Need?”

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One of the things Getrude Matshe teaches is that it is imperative that you develop the ability to understand something from the perspective of those you’re trying to help.

For example, one organization thought it would be helpful to drill wells for some African villages, but after they were installed, people didn’t use them. Getrude went to talk to the villagers to see what was going on. She found out that when women walked to the wells that were farther away, they used the time to interact and share stories with other women. Drawing water from a well in the village eliminated this meaningful time with others, so they chose to continue walking long distances to the old wells instead. It was more important to the women to maintain their relationships with each other than to save time by getting water close to home.

Rather that assuming that what you’re doing is helpful, ask people what they need. This simple approach can make a huge difference. Here’s another story featuring a failure to do that: a program that originated to help with AIDS prevention distributed leaflets and condoms in Africa via airdrops from small planes. Most of the targeted audience couldn’t read, so the leaflets were useless, except as toilet paper. As for the condoms, kids collected them to use as balloons.

These are cautionary, sad tales, but they are not unusual examples of what can happen. When you’re starting a movement, you must engage people. The most successful programs are those that ask, “What do you need?” and then create partnerships with those they are helping.

In order to facilitate such conversations and partnerships, Getrude has discovered the importance of identifying someone who can serve as a translator between cultures, translating one culture’s experience so the other can understand it. She notes that one of the most significant gifts someone can offer is to serve in this role.

Initiating a movement can be inspiring, life changing and even world changing, but to truly succeed, be sure to include the first step.

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Jun

How Can You Be Inspirational?

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Could You Start a Movement?

Has a truly inspirational leader ever moved you to tears? That’s happened to me more than once, and each time the experience has inspired me to step up and perform with more passion and inspiration. I’ve also noticed that inspirational people often have created or sustained an important movement. They become the face of something important.

Take a moment and think about the last time you were inspired in this way. Put yourself in the moment so you can hear the words and feel your feelings and notice what images are produced as you are in this moment.

For you to have had this experience, certain things must have been true, but what? At a minimum you had to resonate with the message and likely the messenger. You could feel his or her passion, your heart was likely opened and you may have even teared up.

I’m writing about this topic because I recently found myself experiencing this kind of passionate inspiration. It happened while I was at a training program in Denver, Colorado. I was inspired not once but three times. Getrude Matshe is an author and inspirational speaker who currently lives in Wellington, New Zealand by way of South Africa. I first met Getrude last year at an event where I had an opportunity to see a TEDx talk she gave in New Zealand. Wow, was I impressed! She spoke about the plight of what she calls the AIDS orphans in Africa. She also spoke about the role of women in Africa—and more specifically the way that men treat women in Africa. Here’s a link to her talk: Ubuntu – a person is a person through other persons. Listen to it.

After seeing her talk I had a chance to really get to know Getrude and experienced one of the best heart connections I have ever had. If anything we had an even more intense connection this month than last year. I met and reconnected with two other individuals in Denver who represent a current movement or are about to start a movement. Do these three people have things in common? Yes!

They all have connected with something positive that they feel good and inspired about.
They speak about it in a way that makes you want to listen and support them or their message. My experience is that when somebody is speaking from the heart in this way, it creates a different kind of connection. I think that’s why people talk about things being heartfelt.
They all created a picture that I was able to see, and they were all clearly in alignment with their vision.

What was interesting is that I also listened to a presentation on how to grow your business, and wouldn’t you know—I heard this message: “You must set a powerful and inspiring goal or outcome for your business or you won’t be able to grow it. It must be powerful and compelling to you and others.” This, of course, is what people who create movements do. So that means they have to start with a powerful belief in themselves and their vision. Their vision will be bigger than they would have thought possible and they may question, “Who am I to make this happen?”

Remember the poet Marianne Williamson, who encouraged us to be powerful and to demonstrate and show our power even if others become uncomfortable around us. That clearly is necessary if you are going to initiate a powerful movement. I also discovered the other important part of this is that I found myself wanting to support what they’re doing, and I did. I offered to go to Africa to help, and I offered support to a young woman who wants to start a movement for girls to know their purpose early in life. This is what will happen to you when and if you’re willing to create a powerful movement that you believe in strongly. Your passion will communicate to others, and they will show up to help you.

Good luck creating your vision and movement. As always I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts about this article. If you are starting a movement or in the middle of one, let me know so I can feature you in my newsletter on on this blog. I want to support people to help create a world to which others want to belong.

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